Dead And In Love

Miss Slade wrote:Okay, so I just got this idea and decided to post it.

I know it needs a lot of work and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice.

Because that's what YWSers do best!


(Hey there Slade! I absolutely love this poem! Very good!)

Dead And In Love


Love, (I would put a semi colon instead of a comma)
the word sickens me.

It makes my body shake in acrimony.

He told me he loved me,
just weeks ago.

It doesn't matter anymore though, (I would drop "though")
because he [s]through[/s](threw) it all away.

He killed my heart,
shoved it right into the garbage.

And he left it there.

I'm forgotten,
a nightmare only to haunt him in dreams.

Love,
he doesn't love me.

If he had,
even just the tiniest bit,
I wouldn't be six feet under.


Covered in wood and dirt,
(For some reason when I read this, my mind said "Encased in wood; covered in dirt")
I lay here now,
decaying into nothing.

I still love him [s]though[/s],
because I'm a fool.

My feelings never disappeared,
and now they can't just disappear. (Kill the repetition! "My feelings never faded/subsided/vanished/diminished/anything-other-that-disappear)

I'll love him forever,
but I don't have a forever. (Love that! xD)

Love,
a four letter word that means so much.

Dead is a four letter word too,
and that's what I am.

Dead,
and in love.



(I would italicize some parts, like where love and dead appear alone on a line and in the second to last bit, I felt it needed a bit more description... but after all it is a poem so, right, it's great as it is. I'll have to find some way to gently torture you for saying your poems aren't good. This my friend, speaks wonderful!


9/10

Juniper)

Depressingly sweet? Wow... I've never heard that term before but it sounds really awesome! Thanks and I know that stanza pretty much ruins the poems flow but I just couldn't think of anything else to put in its place...

Oh... so depressingly sweet. Loved it!
Didn't find any grammar errors just wanted to point out something:

My feelings never disappeared,

and now they can't just disappear.